Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children
by Grace Lebow
from Harper Paperbacks
Do You Have
An Aging Parent Who --
- Blames you for everything that goes wrong?
- Cannot tolerate being alone, wants you all the time?
- Is obsessed with health problems, real, or imagined?
- Make unreasonable and/or irrational demands of you?
- Is hostile, negative and critical?
Coping with these traits in parents is an endless high-stress battle for their children. Though there's no medical defination for "difficult" parents, you know when you have one. While it's rare for adults to change their ways late in life, you can stop the vicious merry-go-round of anger, blame, guilt and frustration.
For the first time, here's a common-sense guide from professionals, with more than two decades in the field, on how to smooth communications with a challenging parent. Filled with practical tips for handling contentious behaviors and sample dialogues for some of the most troubling situations, this book addresses many hard issues, including:
The Circle - A Walk with Dementia
by Sally Hughes Smith
from Medical University of South Carolina Foundation
Sally Smith, whose inspiring personal account--closing the family home and moving her mother into an assisted living facility--resulted in a book that critics have said is healing, hilarious and very helpful to those of us sharing similar experiences. This manuscript, entitled The Circle, was given as a gift to the Medical University of South Carolina and published to raise awareness and support for research into Alzheimers disease, Parkinsons disease, dementia, vision and hearing loss and other age-related problems. 100% of the net proceeds will benefit research into these issues.
How to Care for Aging Parents (Morris, How to Care for Aging)
by Virginia Morris
from Workman Publishing Company
The best and bestselling book of its kind. Originally published in 1995, How to Care for Aging Parents, with 220,000 copies in print, won a Books for a Better Life Award and was praised as "an indispensable book" (AARP) and "a compassionate guide of encyclopedic proportion" (The Washington Post). It also catapulted its author, Virginia Morris, to national prominence as a recognized eldercare authority on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, CBS, and other media.
Nine years later, and the need for the book is mushrooming: the number of adult children caring for a parent has increased from 4 million to 19.5 million, with roughly 80% of the nation's elderly cared for at home. Virginia Morris responds with a completely revised, up-to-date new edition. Expanded from 450 to over 650 pages, it covers all the emotional, legal, financial, medical, and logistical issues in caring for the elderly. There are new sections on expanded housing options, alternative therapies, balancing career and caregiving, and dealing with difficult parents. It covers the biggest change in caregiving--the newfound independence of seniors and benefits of healthy aging--and the reverse: three chapters are dedicated to caring for parents with Alzheimers. At the end of the book is an invaluable 100-page "Yellow Pages" guide to all the resources and services of the enormous eldercare industry.
The Complete Eldercare Planner, Second Edition: Where to Start, Which Questions to Ask, and How to Find Help
by Joy Loverde
from Three Rivers Press
"The simple truth about elders is this: they want their lives to be validated, and they do not want to die alone," writes eldercare consultant Joy Loverde in her preface to the second edition of The Complete Eldercare Planner. While that desire is entirely valid and compelling, there is an equally real parallel reality: caring for elders is a formidable responsibility, a sometimes daunting maze of financial, medical, personal, legal, and logistical issues. Acutely aware of both truths, Loverde's goal is to provide the caregiver the support and efficient, practical guidance he or she needs to be able to enjoy the often-rewarding and moving experience of caring for an aging loved one. And in an era when the fastest growing segment of the population is those 80 and older (among those, the majority are women), it becomes increasingly important for caregivers, who are themselves one day going to need care, to be informed about eldercare facts.
With a clarity and authority that comes from years of consulting experience, Loverde shares techniques and step-by-step tactics for all aspects of eldercare, from how to first broach the topic with an elder that he or she needs care and finding the best insurance coverage to emergency preparedness and managing the process of dying. Thirteen chapters are organized by a series of plans that instruct and advise the caregiver on how to research, prepare for, and manage a particular issue. An "Action Checklist" and, when applicable, a list of low-cost or free resources punctuate each chapter's end. The chapters on legal matters (estate planning, insurance fraud), money (cost-cutting strategies), and insurance (options beyond Medicare, supplementary coverage, long-term policies) will be particularly helpful to those first grappling with their elder's financial position. While on occasion Loverde's recommendations may seem vague--in some cases there are too many variables for the author be more specific without sacrificing relevancy to all readers--The Complete Eldercare Planner is an accessible, comprehensive, and thoughtful resource that will inspire caregivers in their pursuit of quality health care for the aging. --Rebecca Wright
"Am I doing the right thing?" "I work full-time -- how can I be in two places at once?" "Who's going to pay for Mom's home care?" "How do I bring up sensitive subjects like their money, moving, and not driving?" "Do we need long-term-care insurance?" "Wait! Do I really want Dad to move in?" "Where do my parents keep their legal documents?" "Do they have a will?" Caring for elderly loved ones can be a full-time job--on top of regular work and family responsibilities. How can you cope?
The answer is Joy Loverde's The Complete Eldercare Planner, now fully revised and updated with the latest information to help you plan ahead and manage real-life eldercare crises. Everything you need is on these pages, with essential checklists, practical communication tips, free and low-cost resources, web-sites, step-by-step action plans, questions to ask the professionals, record-keeping forms, and The Documents Locator,™ which helps you to always have access to critical paperwork. Here's a sample of what you'll find inside:
EFFECTIVE PLANNING: Where to start -- Getting caught off-guard
COMMUNICARING: Opening up the dialogue -- Turning conflict into cooperation -- Getting everyone in the family to pitch in
CAREGIVERS: How to tell when your elder needs help -- Sharing the care -- Avoiding burnout
EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS: Managing medications -- Coping with hospitalization
MONEY MATTERS: The cost of long-term care -- Ready cash
LEGAL MATTERS: Estate planning -- Elder advocacy
INSURANCE: Getting the coverage you need -- Beyond Medicare
HOUSING: Home suite home -- When Mom or Dad moves in
SAFE AND SECURE: Minimizing distress over distance -- Accident-proofing the home
TRANSPORTATION: When it is no longer safe to drive -- Alternative transportation
HEALTH AND WELLNESS: Taking charge of health -- Communicating with the doctor
DEATH AND DYING: End-of-life issues -- Saying good-bye
QUALITY OF LIFE: Aging with disability -- Family power
THE DOCUMENTS LOCATOR™
Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders
by Mary Pipher
from Riverhead Trade
Mary Pipher, author of the bestselling and groundbreaking Reviving Ophelia, which charts the troubled passage of girls into adolescence, has nimbly covered yet another psychological passage: that into old age, which May Sarton called "a foreign country."
Pipher reveals that the greatest shame for today's elders--most of whom survived the Depression--is not being self-sufficient. The majority of them stoically prefer to keep their feelings to themselves, and this is why it's so difficult to convince older parents to accept or even discuss such issues as physical and mental health, finances, eldercare, or living wills. This directly conflicts with the openness of their children, who grew up in the era of "free love" and were influenced by society (and the advent of psychology in the 1950s and popularization of therapy) to talk frankly about emotions. While a boomer can easily talk with a friend about marriage difficulties or even surgery, an elder is likely to find admitting such "weaknesses" abhorrent.
Another Country includes excerpts of sessions with dozens of Pipher's psychology patients, interspersed with not-so-obvious advice for sensitively communicating with the elderly. Some interviews are grim: one woman hallucinated that rodents were running through her house; she was so desperate for company from her family, but too proud to ask them to stop by, that she invented her own visitors. But the breakthroughs in communication Pipher is able to accomplish, sometimes with the help of grandchildren as intermediaries, are startling and thoroughly encouraging. (For example, the animals the woman was imagining disappeared after she received company regularly.)
Pipher cared for her dying mother for a "horrid," guilt-filled year while this book was being written and says that she wanted "to help others in my situation feel less alone." She also aims to help each generation understand the other. In these goals she's succeeded brilliantly. Any adult struggling with issues with their parents, especially mortality, will find Another Country an indispensable source of suggestions and support. --Erica Jorgensen
Mary Pipher's phenomenal New York Times bestseller-a book about us and our parents...
"[Pipher] ventures into communities and then returns to explain their truths and ways of being to the rest of us in clear, clean English. Totally accessible...[Another Country] is a compassionate...look at the disconnect between baby boomers and their aging parents or grandparents." -USAToday
There are more older people in America today than ever before. They are our parents and grandparents, our aunts and uncles and in-laws.They are living longer, but in a culture that has come to worship youth-a culture in which families have dispersed, communities have broken down, and older people are isolated. Meanwhile, adults in two-career families are struggling to divide their time among their kids, their jobs, and their aging parents-searching for the right words to talk about loneliness, forgetfulness, or selling the house.
Another Country is a field guide to this rough terrain for a generation of baby boomers who are finding themselves unprepared to care for those who have always cared for them. Psychologist and bestselling writer Mary Pipher maps out strategies that help bridge the gaps that separate us from our elders. And with her inimitable combination of respect and realism, she offers us new ways of supporting each other-new ways of sharing our time, our energy, and our love.
"In Another Country, [Pipher] observes that to grow old for many people in today's fragmented, age-phobic, age-segregated America is to inhabit a foreign country, isolated, disconnected and misunderstood."-New York Times
"Pipher explores how today's mobile, individualistic, media-drenched culture prevents so many dependent old people, and the relatives trying to do right by them, from getting what they need...her insights will help people of several generations."-The Washington Post
"[Pipher] wrote [Another Country] to help Boomers like herself better understand their parents and grandparents and to glimpse what might await them in their old age."-Chicago Tribune
"Mary Pipher urges baby boomers to stay in tune with their elderly parents' needs...With average life expectancy now in the mid-70s and 2 million Americans turning 65 each year-a number that will skyrocket as the baby boomer generation ages-the stakes are raised for families and societies alike."-People
"The author of Reviving Ophelia unflinchingly takes us into the heart of this largely uncharted territory."-Rocky Mountain News
"A field guide to old age, combining personal stories with social theory."-Boston Globe
"Dr. Pipher sees aging from a broader perspective. [She] emphasizes the need for the elderly to become elders-people who can help us find a deep structure for our communities-[and] she makes a persuasive case for roots."-Christian Science Monitor
"This is a book that thoughtful Boomers can embrace as their own...Another Country looks at issues like care-giving, death, generational relations and the resiliency many elders display in old age. It offers advice on improving our relationships with other generations and with understanding our own passing years."-St. Petersburg Times
"Rich in stories and full in details....For people wondering about their parents' or more poignantly, their own aging."-St. Louis Post-Dispatch
"[Mary Pipher] comes across as neither saint nor scold. [Another Country is] not a how-to book, but a how-to-think book."-Minnesota Star Tribune
Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents
by Jacqueline Marcell
from Impressive Press
A riveting, often humorous, non-fiction novel that chronicles Jacqueline Marcell's trials and tribulations, and eventual success at managing the care of her aging parents. Elder Rage is also an extensive self-help book with solutions for effective management, medically and behaviorally, of challenging elders who resist care. Includes answers to difficult "how to" questions like: getting obstinate elders to give up driving, accept a caregiver, see a different doctor, go to adult day care, move to a new residence--and includes a wealth of valuable resources, websites and recommended reading. The addendum by renowned dementia specialist, Rodman Shankle, MS MD: A Physician's Guide to Treating Dementia, makes it valuable for everyone from the family to the physician. Elder Rage is required reading at several universities for graduate courses in geriatric assessment and management.
How to Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders
by David Solie
from Prentice Hall Press
A practical guide to bridging the generation gap.
In How to Say It(r) to Seniors, geriatric psychology expert David Solie offers help in removing the typical communication blocks many experience with the elderly. By sharing his insights into the later stages of life, Solie helps in understanding the unique perspective of seniors, and provides the tools to relate to them.
The Parent Care Conversation: Six Strategies for Dealing with the Emotional and Financial Challenges of AgingParents
by Dan Taylor
from Penguin (Non-Classics)
A comprehensive and empathetic program for addressing, planning, and putting into effect long-term elder care
Long -term care for aging parents is a sensitive, often difficult, but ultimately inevitable issue with which all of us will have to cope sooner or later. The Parent Care Conversation offers a step-by-step approach for families to follow that will enable them to develop workable plans of action. By first addressing the emotional aspects of long-term care that take into account the parentsÂ’ feelings and wishes, then integrating the practical and financial components, this book will open the door for a critical exchange of information and honest discussion among adult children and their aging parents that has long been the major roadblock to successful elder care. Filled with factual information, useful tips, real-life stories, and practical exercises, The Parent Care Conversation provides a proactive and collaborative solution to the long-term care issues that eventually everyone must face.
Midlife Orphan
by Jane Brooks
from Berkley Trade
The word "orphan" may make us think of a child--but even self-sufficient adults can feel the pain of "orphanhood" when their parents are suddenly gone. Complicating the natural mourning process is the fact that this loss often occurs in our thirties, forties, or fifties--as we are raising our own children, watching them leave the nest, and facing other adjustments in our lives, from our jobs to our marriages to our health. This thoughtful exploration of a neglected subject explains the emotional impact of losing our parents in the midst of midlife--and why many underestimate it. Discussing such topics as changes in self-image, unresolved issues, guilt, sorrow, and anger, the emotional impact of inheritance, and the shifting of roles as a result of "midlife orphanhood," Jane Brooks shows us how to find new sources of strength, in both ourselves and others, after our parents are gone.
Are Your Parents Driving You Crazy? Expanded Second Edition: Getting to Yes with Competent, Aging Parents
by Jospeh A. Ilardo
from Vanderwyk & Burnham
Award-winning practical guide for people whose parents are still comepetent and living on their own but showing signs of aging.
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